The perfect expat image is familiar:
It might be the person on Instagram posting market photos and gratitude captions.
Or the classmate who seems to pick up the language effortlessly.
It could be another foreigner who already knows the community and is always at events.
Or the expat who travels often and speaks about the experience with confidence.
Without meaning to, many of us begin to measure ourselves against these unmeetable standards and our nervous system hears us.
Why this matters
Our nervous system is always scanning for safety and major life adjustments make it even more sensitive.
When we see someone “thriving” while we believe that we are struggling, our system often interprets that as the new standard for being safe.
The message underneath is simple:
If I am thriving, I am safe.
If I am thriving, I made the right decision and I should be here.
When the nervous system is trying to stay safe, it becomes more alert. It starts watching closely for signs that we don’t belong, that we’ve done something wrong, or that we’re failing.
This isn’t personal weakness; it’s a form of self-protection.
A client story (shared anonymously)
One of my clients moved from the USA to a sunny European country for well-considered reasons. Once she settled, she felt constant pressure to thrive — to learn the language quickly, succeed socially, enjoy the food and cultural differences, feel at home in the expat community, make local friends, and feel wholly certain that she had made the right choice.
Because the investment felt so big, everything felt personal.
A frustrating conversation meant she had failed at the language.
An awkward social moment meant she had no friends.
A rude landlord meant she wasn’t cut-out for the local culture.
Even booking travel felt overwhelming — flights, airports, logistics. What once felt exciting was now heavy and stressful.
In tandem, old childhood beliefs about being socially inadequate became louder than they had ever been at home. Her nervous system wasn’t only reacting to the present, it was pulling from the past.
In our work together, we focused on nervous system education, autonomy, and perspective. As someone who has lived in multiple countries myself, I understood both the emotional and practical reality she was navigating.
We talked openly about the fact that she had options: She could stay. She could return home. She could move elsewhere. Naming her autonomy reduced the sense that the move was a life sentence. Through gently challenging her beliefs and supporting her nervous system, the relocation no longer needed to define her.
We reframed the experience as an experiment rather than a verdict.
Once the pressure to be the perfect expat softened, her nervous system began to settle: Social interactions felt lighter. She felt less reactive and more open. She even booked a trip to North Africa she had always dreamed of. She noticed that she was invited to more events, felt more connected to the community, and things overall felt softer.
These shifts were not because she suddenly loved everything about her new home — but because she no longer felt under evaluation.
How this often shows up
When the pressure to thrive is high, people often notice:
- Overthinking social interactions
- Feeling unusually sensitive to exclusion
- Comparing themselves to other expats
- Feeling discouraged more quickly
- Thinking about leaving after minor frustrations
- Feeling tense, guarded, or emotionally exhausted
- Wanting connection, while feeling unsafe inside it
These symptoms are not a sign of personal failure. Rather, they are the impact of a nervous system under pressure and trying to protect a meaningful choice.
Making the experience kinder
If you recognize yourself in this, a few shifts can help:
Replace thriving with adjusting. This helps our brain to soften ups and downs and give us space to land.
Lower the emotional stakes: your move does not have to prove anything about you or your worth.
Let connection be ordinary: belonging grows through repetition, not performance.
Practice this reframe: I may feel uncomfortable, and I am safe.
Remember: a place can feel underwhelming without you being a failure. A choice can feel hard without it being a mistake.
Often, when that pressure lifts, the nervous system settles, and the experience becomes lighter.
Supporting your nervous system
Simple nervous-system care can make a real difference:
- Regular movement or walking
- Warm meals and hydration
- Proper sleep
- Gentle routines
- Moments of intentional grounding or stillness
- Reducing comparison when possible
Talking things through with a trusted friend, therapist, or loved one can remind you that your feelings are valid, that you are not alone, and that these emotional ups and downs are deeply human: They deserve compassion and patience.
If you’d like support
If this resonates and you’d like to explore it more personally, you’re welcome to contact me for therapy sessions here: www.christinababich.com/contact-me
